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9.02.2009

Challenges

So, we've been in Livingston for almost nine months now, and it's proven to be challenging on some levels I did not expect.

I'm still getting used to being "the new girl" in all these places. This move, I truly know no one here, and am learning people through church, John's workplace, and mine. Like anything else there is good and bad in all those places, and I guess I'd just forgotten how hard it was to tell sometimes who is going to be a positive influence on life and who might be a little less than grand. That's just small-town life anywhere... I'm certain this feeling of not quite fitting in anywhere will get better as time goes on.

The job is going - I have issues with the fact I work in a grocery store, made worse by some of the Corporate Policies in place that really do make me feel even smaller and more insignificant than I did in the first place. I'm hoping eventually I can get back behind the scenes, where I'd prefer to be anyway, and not have to deal at least face-to-face with the constant stream of people in the pharmacy. I used to think I was something of a people person, but the longer this particular thing goes on, the less I feel that and the more I prefer small groups of people I know, or just being alone. I've also let my studying fall to the wayside, along with other things I need to not neglect... time to dump this bit of depression and move forward, even if I'm not sure of the direction or the path.

We're also doing a spiritual gifts survey in my class on Sundays, and it's raising some questions for me - sure I am not surprised Administration was at the top of my list, but what do I do with that? And what do my ties at other levels mean? The book is not helping as much as I'd like, and I find myself with more questions at the end of each chapter than I had before (and quite frankly the class itself is a little less than helpful sometimes. There are things your conscious brain can understand, but sometimes it's not so simple as just saying a tried and truism to get your point across. And, as anything else in life, there is so little stark black and white in this world it seems to shortchange God's abilities and plans to paint them so plainly.)

I'm going on the Walk to Emmaus the first weekend in October. It's something I've wanted to do for some time and have not had the ability, so I'm very excited about the promise of attending. I think perhaps some spiritual searching would be good for me, even if I don't necessarily do it in a way that fits in with my current community. We had a conversation several weeks ago about being "open and honest" and "REALLY getting to know each other." All I could think was, in that place, I don't know if they would really like me if they knew how I felt about some things. That's okay too.

Anyway, I have been trying to come up with something to blog for a while, and this funk of recent weeks has really not yielded anything I thought would contribute to my personal development (yeah, I said it) or to the overall blog-o-sphere. This may not even satisfy that, but I have the desire to write, and maybe it's time to write something, even if it's not earth-shattering or entertaining.