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12.04.2013

Figuring Things Out

It's tough to figure out how to deal with how to shift your whole "dealing with life" perspective.

On one hand, you might think that because I lived so far from my brother that realistically, on a day to day level, things shouldn't change so much. We didn't talk every day - maybe every week or two, and not for very long at that. We did back and forth a bit on Facebook, but not frequently. I did my thing, he did his. Sometimes the proverbial twain did meet.

But now that he's gone?

I think about him all the time. I watch the news and see a half dozen things I want to talk to him about. I flip through the paper and wonder what he'd think of this or that. Every book, every store, every song on the radio brings up some memory and I find myself fighting back tears, trying to quietly get my cry out and get back to whatever I was doing.

I am not a very good compartmentalizer. All those things about putting certain emotions into boxes, and only unpacking them when I'm ready to deal with it? Yeah, doesn't work.

And for whatever reason today, I just can't stop crying. I miss my little brother. I couldn't tell you what set me off, or why I'm feeling this emotional today. I can't tell you why I can't pull it together and focus.

One day, I'll figure it out.