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10.15.2016

On the Wagon

I've been attending Weight Watchers meetings since early May.

I say attending meetings because I have gained and lost the same 4.9 pounds over and over again in the course of those several months. Essentially I'm paying for group therapy once a week to try and sort out my messed up relationship with food.

I hit a high number this week. I'm "doing" Weight Watchers and I hit my highest weight ever. The last week or so has been full of eating my feelings, curling up in a ball every opportunity I get, and just trying to survive.

As the saying goes, depression lies. It tells you that you're not good enough, and you're not really worth it anyway, no matter how many people tell you otherwise. Eventually you start believing it.

I've been trying to keep things compartmentalized. I have my work silo and my home silo and my church silo and my Weight Watchers/health silo. It was an attempt to be good at at least one thing. I can be good at work and church, so that's not all bad, right?

What I'm learning, and what my Leader has become a cheerleader for me in, is learning that it can't be all separate. It all has to fit together. I need to be sane and whole and take care of myself in order to be good at the other things. I can't be the best at anything if I'm not taking care of my biggest instrument (which is me.)

So, time to put together a master plan. Develop some overarching priorities and put myself higher than last on that list. It's not selfish, it's necessary.